from forcing to flow: following my bliss, again
About six years ago, an idea came to me that I needed to be a realtor. The idea came once, twice, and the third time it came, I got up, signed up for a real estate class and got my license. Then the license sat there for a few years because I either didn’t know where to start, or I simply didn’t want to start.
The idea resurfaced again years later when I started searching for the perfect brokerage which I found. I started training, learning. I closed a few deals. From time to time I would get pumped up and want to do real estate, and other times I would force myself to do it. Then I convinced myself that real estate is necessary for my soul’s evolution: there were some lessons in discipline and overcoming fears that the industry offered to learn. Every morning, when i would drop off my kids at school, I would make myself go the real estate office, or sit at my desk and search for rentals for clients or homes for purchase. And once I got into it, I enjoyed the process. What I loved the most about real estate was the people that I got to meet and work with. But at a certain point I realized that I was forcing myself to do it. My photography, writing and art were on hold, while I was doing grown up work, and my creative endeavors got whatever was left over of my energy after work, household stuff and kids.
I remember a few years ago, before I seriously got into real estate, I was talking to a woman in my mastermind, and she said, “I think real estate is not meant for you, it’s just a distraction”. She suggested I focus on photography “balls to the wall” and make this business the source of financial stability. I listened to her words, but decided to give real estate a try anyway.
Last week, after officially being in real estate for about a year and a half, I decided to quit. It doesn’t light me up, I confessed to a friend. “As much as I’d love to do what lights me up, I have bills to pay”, she answered with a smile. I felt the pain of her words in my body and decided for myself, I refuse to live with that notion. My compass in life is JOY. If something makes me fulfilled and happy, it is for me. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t align, then it’s not for me. A very selfish way to live, someone will say.
I realize that my photography business has a lot of lessons to teach me, too. Diverting to real estate was a way to avoid the work, but here we are again, back to square one, and I am super stoked. The discipline and self-worth issues need to be looked at. Undercharging for my services is an issue of self-worth that shows up in my business. And as I’m learning that I’m worthy in real life, I’m making adjustments in my business.
Another friend said, “I wish for you to grow up and do the hard work”. I guess I come across as infantile with my lack of desire to do “real work”, the 9 to 5 drill that every one seems to seek solace and stability in. The truth is, I don’t mind doing the work, I have been for years. But the work must be meaningful to me. “My paycheck is meaningful to me”, the friend said. And I love that for her. For me it is meaningful to raise my kids myself and see them often. It is meaningful for me to be fulfilled in life. And money is also meaningful of course, and it is up to me to make that happen.
I remember I was at Sunsport Gardens Naturists Resort doing my artist in residence program last summer. I was wearing a blue dress and playing with blue silk fans near a royal poinciana tree. I was taking photographs and having a good time. I heard men repair or build something, they were hammering and drilling and making all sorts of noise nearby. I thought to myself, “their job is to work with their hands”. My job is to notice beauty in the world and mirror it back to everyone. Or to create beauty in the world. My job is to be an artist.
That thought felt so big, bold and audacious. It felt powerful in my body. A split second later, another slew of thoughts swirled in: are you crazy? Who do you think you are? This is not a real job! You are just hanging out having a good time, what’s the point of the photos you create here today? It’s not like you are photographing someone else where you are contributing to their life. You are just lazy and don’t want to get a real job. My body tensed up.
The two parts of me were now in an argument with each other. Remember how in olden days, when someone was a musician, THAT was their job? Or if someone was a painter, THAT’s what they did. They didn’t have a side hustle to support them, their art was their contribution to the society. They played music and painted because the carpenters and the herders couldn’t do that.
The notion of the starving artist is familiar to most. I hear lots of bitterness in voices of artists who traded their passion for a vocation that “pays bills”. And I get it, I really do. I guess I am too much of a dreamer, rebel or delusionist that I continue believing that we must do what we love and express ourselves. I might need to get a part-time job to bring in some more money if photography alone doesn’t feed me and my three kids now that I am also on the verge of being a single mom. But I refuse to give up. I refuse to give into that this is the system and this is how it works and you need to be grown up and sacrifice your dreams. No! I will do my art, and I will be a digital creatrix, and I will carve my own path, on my own terms.
self-portraits with a pink feather
I created this series of self-portraits on the floor in my office. I hanged the black cloth for a backdrop on my chair, set up the tripod and played.
It wasn’t the “perfect” time, it was right before bed time. The idea of playing with this pink feather has been waiting for me and I decided to just do it. At first, I was frustrated with what I was seeing, but I just kept pressing the button on my phone to trigger the camera (I use Camrote app to remote control my Sony AIII- affiliate link). I kept trying different movements, while using slow shutter speed. Eventually, my kids came in and became a part of the process. At the end, the button refused to work, kids started getting winey and I stopped to put them to bed. It was a sign that this creative play exercise was done for today. Once all three monkeys were in bed, I loaded the photos into my computer to see what could be learned from today’s session. I was happy to see a few images that I liked and THE ONE that I loved! I was happy that I filmed the video of the feather and the most important lesson, which is the one I always knew - you have to be in it and do it. You have to keep playing. It comes at a random moment, a chance movement, an unexpected stroke of luck or genius and the masterpiece is born.
I must tell you honestly, I have a tendency to wait for the “perfect moment” a lot. For that free afternoon when nothing needs to be done, and kids are entertained by someone, when all the laundry is folded, all the dishes are done, toilets scrubbed, and groceries put away. That moment somehow never comes, and the creative thing, as a result, doesn’t happen. The reason I simply plopped to the floor with a pink feather because of something I saw the day before. I had been scrolling Instagram and I came across a profile of an artist who creates beautiful self-portraits, and I got sooo jealous. “I want this to be me! How can I have what she has?” And I realized that for me to have what she has means to dedicate the time to my craft. To not feed it leftover scraps of my attention and energy, but to feed it time and devotion. When I saw that girl’s work, the pain of of the abyss where I currently am - so far from the work I want to put out - that pain made me take action. That creative play was so needed, and I am so proud of myself for having done it.
These photos symbolize for me the lightness I experience when things are aligned, when I do work that lights me up, when I surrender to the process or the path and allow it to unravel for me. ♥