I make art because I need attention

“I make art because I want attention.” A thought came for a visit.

In my current marriage that might crumble completely, the husband tells me that I want too much attention. This is my second husband, for the record.

“Give me attention” is the phrase I used to say to my first husband a lot. He was older than me, and I in my prime party years - I was twenty years old when I got married. I didn’t know how to drive a car when I came to this country. Even though I already spoke English, I was still learning the language. I remember how my heart rate would increase when the phone would ring in the office of a language school where I used to work, and I had to answer it. It was baptism by fire, but I did it. Aside from my Administrative Assistant job, I didn’t have anything else. I had no identity, no interests, nothing.

There was a huuuuuge part of me missing, and naturally, I would ask my husband to fill up that void. I would not ask, I would demand in a voice with a Russian accent: GIVE ME ATTENTION.

Not knowing what it is I wanted from him, helplessly he would look around the room. He wanted to chill and relax, he didn’t know what “giving attention” looked like. Neither did I. So he would give me vodka.

Now years later, with my second husband (who is younger than me - I go from one extreme to the other), I am a completely different person. I feel that I have so much in me, and OF me, yet it would be nice to get some attention. And I don’t demand it, I gently ask for it. But even though I ask almost in a timid (or maybe it’s passive aggressive?) tone if he could give me attention, he finds it triggering. Because during fights, he brings out my needing the attention as something big, unnecessary, ugly, and unnecessary (yes, twice).

I think he too, doesn’t understand what that “attention” looks like. Neither do I. The problem is that vodka is no longer an option. 

I tell myself that I post on social media because I want to promote my photography business. And that is a true story. Since I don’t have a 9 to 5, social media gives me an option to promote my services for free. But it also gives me small doses of feel-good hormones when someone likes my post. I want to post again, I thought. Why? So I can get  a t t e n t i o n . 

That horrible A-word that both husbands hated. 

Attention. 

ATTENTION. 

When I post photographs of other people or self-portraits, people like them, sometimes they comment, sometimes they DM me. I get the attention! And guess what? It feels good! It feels great. I feel validated. I know we are not supposed to seek validation from the outside, but hey, it works! Almost like vodka. 

Why do some people need this external attention and others don’t?

Did I not get enough attention growing up? Or are some people wired to crave it more? Am I asking the right questions here?

Am I the only crazy one who wants attention from a romantic partner?

Can art alone fulfil my need for attention? I can ask chatGPT all these questions, let’s see what it says. 

What I know for now is this, I do use social media and my art as a way to get attention. I also believe that my work is transformative and helps women feel beautiful. If I post from the position of my work is meaningful, it can transform your life, then it becomes selfless, other people centered, and then I am in service to others. That is ok. 

If I post from the position of “I want attention”, that is self-centered, that is selfish, and that’s a no-no. We don’t do selfish things to please ourselves as women! (sarcastically) 

I want to share about my need for attention because maybe there is someone like me who feels the same way. Who also struggles to receive attention from a partner, or who craves the attention from others for no other reason other than it makes them feel good. I want them to feel seen. Or maybe I am expressing for purely selfish reasons just because I want to, and I don’t care if nobody finds it useful. I (capital I) want this. 

My current husband says that I talk to others because I constantly want attention. There is some truth to that and here is how it actually works:

When I’m my normal usual self, I will talk to everyone. I will smile to everyone who wants to receive it, I will give a compliment, I will ask a question. I like to engage with people because I am totally uninhibited and I generally like people. And when I am happy and joyful, I want to spread joy around like magic dust. When I engage with people like that, it is NOT from a standpoint of people pleasing. I am a recovering people pleaser and I know how it works. I am joyful around people not to get people to like ME. I spread happiness because I want people to like THEM! I am already high on life and it is a great place to be and that is why I am inviting everyone to join me there. I NEVER do that to get attention. So yeah, husband, take that!

I was exchanging audio messages with a very wise friend, and she said that when I have the love for myself, I won’t be seeking it from the other. Maybe my need for attention is a way of asking for love from my husband. And I thought to myself, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to love myself completely so much that I am whole and complete and I don’t need anyone to come and fill any voids in my soul. Do YOU know how to love yourself so fully and completely? Is that something that comes with age?

I did go to chatGPT and asked the questions about attention. And I am not going to ask it to summarize what it said, I (capital I) will do it for you myself, because I (capital I) like to write. 

First of all, how did we live without chatGPT therapy before? That’s crazy. I just cried when I read what it told me and this is not the first time when AI tears my heart open with its truth and I start crying tears of awareness and healing. 

It says that people are wired differently. Some people regulate themselves internally, others need to receive reassurance from a partner. It comes down to attachment styles. It also talked about how artists feel more, notice more (but doesn’t everyone see what I see?) Also, when it comes to art, since mine is visual, it needs to be seen, it needs an eye. I often say that I create because it makes ME happy but art is something that needs to be seen, admired, or criticized, but it needs to see the public eye in order to be alive. 

The most important revelation that chatGPT gave me is this:

what I’m seeking is not ATTENTION. 

And maybe that’s why both husbands got triggered when I asked for it. They felt that attention was something they needed to GIVE, some extra work that is required of them (god forbid), and that’s why they felt inadequate. 

what I desire is CONNECTION. 

The heart to heart connection, where you want to share stories, hurts and joys, so you can feel seen and safe. I am wired in a way that makes we want to be seen and, as a woman, be CHOSEN. 

And maybe that is why the work that I do is precisely THIS: giving women a chance to be SEEN. I want these women to feel seen so they can see how amazing they are, so they can honor themselves, and CHOOSE themselves, choose to be SELFISH and follow their DESIRES and not settle for a man who doesn’t want to do the extra “work” for the special woman in his life. Because, fuck, is it really that much to ask for? 

And I know I can get pulled aside into a topic of how a lot of men don’t know how to connect because they have never been taught, and that I can take responsibility and take a step toward that connection. The truth is, I am trying. I don’t put full blame of a situation on someone else, I am learning to be aware of my needs and desires, and take personal responsibility for what’s happening. Relationships require work. But sometimes, you may be in a wrong relationship and no matter how much work you put into it, it’s not going to work…

I wrote this simply because I was unpacking that thought: “I create art to get attention”. If it resonated and you want to share your experience on the subject of needing attention, seeking connection, or being seen, please share in the comments or send me a private message.

Posting this photo here because now you know me and I don’t need to explain anything ♥