the truth about envy and admitting what I wanted

My body contracts, I feel discomfort. It’s not a loud feeling like rage, but I can always feel it. It took me a while to identify this insidious feeling, but it used to visit quite often, so I became intimately acquainted with it.

ENVY.

Guess when it happens the most?

When scrolling Instagram!

My first epiphany happened about a month ago. My friend Sasha and I both started doing 100 days of content creation challenge, which meant posting on Instagram every day. I was not new to content creation and have tons of content on my phone because I developed a habit of filming meaningful bits here and there that I can use later to promote my services. There were some days where I would intentionally create videos and posts for the challenge, but more often, I would use scraps of old video to make something out of it (and with my constantly changing hairstyle it is a challenge!) The reels would do ok, and would allow me to connect with my people, which was one of the most important objectives. I was also getting more followers, but tried my best to detach from the number of views and likes, and focus on doing what I said I would do - post content for 100 days in a row.

From time to time, I would visit Sasha’s profile and see how she’s doing. The first reason was to support a friend, but there was another part of me that was curious to see how many likes and views Sasha got. I was excited for both of us, we were doing what we set out to do and we were both on fire! I was so proud of us!

What I noticed one day was this. As I was looking at her reels in gorgeous clothes looking cute, I got ENVIOUS. I was happy for my friend that she was doing well, but I was also envious! When I dug deeper, I realized that the reason I felt this was had nothing to do with Sasha, and had everything to do with me! You see, Sasha was creating something meaningful and intentional, and it was vibrant and beautiful. I was using leftover video clips out of which I would make something while sitting in bed in the evening, waiting for my son to fall asleep. I was using my resourcefulness to continue the challenge, but I was not using my creativity to create something new. While Sasha did. And THAT’s what got me all green with envy!

I felt so empowered when I had that revelation! Envy had nothing to do with the other person and had everything to do with me!

And it applied not only to my best friend, but to all the other women that I saw online. You see, when it comes to the real world, I think I got it. I am confident, outgoing, can be completely myself (depending on the context :)) and I am happy with how I come across. But when it comes to social media, it’s different. Instagram, Facebook and other platforms are important for me because they allow me to establish my brand and bring more eyeballs to my ever evolving art which also happens to be the source of sustenance for me and my kids. That’s why showing up on social media is important for me and HOW I show up has been a big part of my personal evolution.

So I would see these women online, those who would show up boldly, and that feeling of discomfort would enter my body. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling what I was feeling… Whenever I saw them, fully expressed and in their power, I would judge them. And the little quiet voice inside would say things like,

“That’s not available to you.”

“We don’t do that.”

“You’re not the kind of woman who gets to express herself LIKE THAT.”

“You are not pretty enough to do that.”

“How can you stick out like that, people will talk.”

It was never a loud voice. But every time I heard it, I would run from it. Close up the Instagram app, and feel shame, some sort of shame about what I saw, and what I experienced. As if a part of me wanted something forbidden, and I was dirty, bad, sinful because of having that desire.

One of the most pivotal moments in my journey with self-acceptance and visibility was the moment I finally admitted to myself what I wanted.

It happened when one day, a friend of mine named Alex — a beautiful goddess who creates such a safe, sacred space for honesty and connection - showed me an Instagram profile of a woman who was both a comedian and deeply expressive online. She shared her art, her personality, and also these beautiful, bold photoshoots of herself.

And something happened in me when I saw her page.

Maybe I felt safe enough in that moment. Maybe I was finally ready to hear myself clearly.

But for the first time, instead of judging it or distancing myself from it, I admitted the truth:

THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

I want to express myself like that.

I want to be visible like that.

I want to create beauty around myself.

I want to be artful and radiant and fully expressed in public.

I want to take up space.

I want to be seen.

And the moment I admitted it to myself… I felt free.

Because the contraction disappeared.

Before, when I saw women boldly expressing themselves online, there was a part of me that would tighten. Compare. Envy. Pull away.

But I understand now that envy is often just a disowned desire, a desire we have in us, the potential that we have in us, that we are not owning and not giving it a chance to flourish.

I wasn’t reacting to THEM. I was reacting to the part of myself I hadn’t yet given permission to become.

And now that I’ve ADMITTED what I truly want, I feel amazing! I feel so empowered. I feel so free. I have this one life in this body, and at the end of it, I want to know that I’ve gone for the things that I wanted, that I tried, that I gave it a shot. I will NOT give up on my dreams, my desires, things that matter to me. I’m going all in on myself, on loving myself, and choosing myself!

When I was in school and university, I would participate in these humorous plays that we would create. I loved it so much. I secretly wanted to be an actress. A model. Definitely a speaker. A published author. Interestingly enough, some desires were easier to announce to the world, such as speaker and writer, but the model and actress part took longer to admit and to own. A dancer. A performer. Because it brings me joy and makes me happy. The two months ago version of me would also add that me living my life this way will give permission to other women to do the same. A selfless disclaimer that I am not doing it because I am so full of myself, but because I want to help others.

Today’s version of my is proud to say that I’m doing it for me! And if I can blaze the trail for others with my example, by all means, but I am done justifying things and pretending I don’t want it.

As Brene Brown says, I no longer stand outside of my story. I own my story, my DESIRE and and I am allowing myself to LIVE it! ♥

P. S. Because of my desire to be seen, there has been a lot more self-portraits happening lately, this sunrise purple morning photoshoot being one of them. As I was putting this story together, I realized that maybe photos of me being green with envy would have been more fitting here. But I chose purple hued slow shutter speed photographs I created this past weekend instead. You can say I am tickled sooo pink that it is practically purple that I have ADMITTED to myself my DESIRE. It feels soooo good to know myself, to own a desire as mine, instead of distancing myself from it, and to know that if I want it, I can go for it, and go for it I will! ♥

P. S. S. I am also creating a course for women to learn to embrace self-love and self-expression through simple phone selfies as a way of choosing themselves and expressing themselves creatively. Something tells me I am not the only woman who didn’t admit her desire to herself, and I want to empower women to become their own muse, admire themselves, create beautiful self-portraits of themselves using their phones, and live a fulfilled and fully expressed life. Sign up to receive Bliss Letters to stay up to date with when the course launches and to receive other musings from me.